Monday, August 22, 2005

THE ART OF LETTING GO...

ACCIDENT PRONE OR STUPID MORON?…MAYBE BOTH! HEHE

Can’t believ how unlucky I am this day…woke up late den umuulan pa (rili hate it wen its raining!) so I decided 2 mke myself busy… ayaaannn, tama maglilinis n lng ako ng bathroom ko! =) I jst love doing household chores n involved ang water like- washing d dishes (xpert ako d2), maglaba, magdilig, maglinis ng kotse, magrefill ng water sa ref n d list goes on…basta may 2big game ako! Hate ko nman ang mamalantsa! Hehehe

So back 2 my kamalasan story of d day…

Nagpripare po ako ng 1 tabo ng tubig w/ zonrox, detergent soap n domex… den binuhos ko sa bathroom floor. It was still almost half full when dis cockroach came crawling sa right foot ko. Close people 2 me could attest na di ako takot sa ipis… its just dat super magugulatin lang talaga ako. Kaya un in short nataranta ako and when I tried to kill it eh nadulas naman ako. My left leg hit d toilet bowl rili hard. Den tumama po ung upper lip ko sa faucet wen I tried to hold on 2 d sink. (mahaba kc ung faucet eh…nt d ordinary type) B4 dat natapon ko yung half full ng solution sa half ng face ko kc nga nadulas ako. Dam* it! Can u imagine a thick solution ng zonrox n domex over my poor face?! Panget n nga eh papapangitin p lalo! Naisip ko nga buti n lng napapikit ako kundi sa mata ko mpupunta…d sana pwede na ako ngayn mamalimos sa Quiapo! Hmmm wel atleast I can use na my black Armani! Bwahaha Pero sobra talaga akong kinabahan noh! So un kumuha n lng ako ng pang warm compress as first aid. kumuha din ako ng mug pra lagyan ng hot water…aba at bigla ko pong nahulog ang mug! Buti n lng di nabasag…

Teka, teka… mukhang may nkakaalala sakin ha… kung cno ka man bwisit ka! Papangitin mo p ako ng husto! Pag ikamatay ko ang kakaisip mo sa kin… dadalawin kita… ahuuooooo may mumooooohhh = ) =P

THE ART OF LETTING GO…

When my relationship was still in its blissful state…in never came in to my mind. (ofcourse! who would?!) Even when we experienced the hell of it all…in my mind and heart-it has always been my last option. Like most of us, maybe I’m afraid to let go of something that has been a part of me already. It’s like loosing a hand…or a foot.

The idea of letting go was always at the back of my mind, especially when I got too involved w/ hub. Not until now, when it has come right in front of my face. That no matter how I pretend not to notice, I’ve got no choice but either to push it away or embrace it with open arms.

After so many days of waiting…of wanting and dreaming…of thinking and wondering…I came to realize...this time, I really have to embrace it with open arms. Not an easy move but if this is what can make hub happy and free. Why not?

So now I’m embracing it with open arms…but with my eyes in tears...sigh

Reasons to smile...

STAY
by: Cueshe
I believe
We shouldnt let the moment pass us by
Life's too short
We shouldnt wait for the water to run dry

Think about it
Cause we only have one shot at destiny
All im asking
Could it possibly be you and me?

So if you'd still go, i'll understand
Would you give me something just to hold on to?
And if you'll stay, ill hold your hand
Cause im truly, madly, crazily in love with you

Time has come
For us to go our separate ways
God forbid
But my mind is going crazy today

I feel so cold
Feel so numb
Im having nightmares but im awake
Help me lord
Fight this loneliness
Take this pain away

So if you'd still go, i'll understand
Would you give me something just to hold on to?
And if you'll stay, ill hold your hand
Cause im truly, madly, crazily in love with you

Now that you're gone, im all alone
Im still hoping that you would come back home
Dont care how long, but im willing to wait
Cause im truly, madly, crazily in love with you

I just wanted to post this song coz these days e2 yta ang national anthem ko. Hehehe sbihin n ng iba na baduy coz OPM…I dnt care! Kahit anong sad ko pag nkita ko n cla on tv eh tumatumbling yata ako sa tuwa. Sobrang kinikilig ako kay ruben (1 of deyr vocalists, baduy nga lng ng name hehe). Even baby kobe loves to sing along with me kahit nabubulol pa cia. With matching hawak p ng mic yun ha and fascinating facial expression. Kaka2wa tlga tong li’l angel ko. =) Hehehe Isn’t it nice to find beautiful reasons to smile? …even in days of mourning. God indeed is good in all ways.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

d phase i chose to face...

Lately, I have been receiving comments (onlyn and oflyn) about my previous blog “learning how to roll over d punches”. I didn’t expect that people could actually find time reading my rubbish thoughts.

To you Karen and Badz, tnx a lot. Its really nice 2 meet people who like me, is brave enough (or atleast trying to be…) to share they’re stories. Sana matuto cla sa mga katangahan natin and at the same time mainspire din coz love indeed can be beautiful if only we’d learn to enjoy it, in its fleeting moment. The rest of d choices like holding on or letting go should be dealt depende na sa sitwasyon. We should never be bothered sa mga sasabihin ng iba as long as d tyo nkaksagasa ng iba. Atleast if we make our own decicions and choices, wla tyong ibang sisihin kundi sarili natin (just incase things wont work out ryt)


I just wana correct the misconception of some… I am not dwelling into a negative feeling. Never did I consider na negative ang mga nangyayari sakin ngayon. How can something be negative when it teaches you love, understanding, patience and perseverance? I admit I still cry every now and then and I still have those sleepless nights and cold lonesome days. But it doesn’t mean that I am not enjoying the process of it all. Marami nko natutununan lately. Di lang naman puro iyak at panghihinayang ang alam kong gawin. Kaya nga ako di nkapagblog ng ilang days coz I’ve got a life oder than dis. Im determined to make things right kya wlang mkakapigil skin. At d same time, I dnt wana rush things din. Like now, if I have to cry then I will cry my heart out. I dnt care of what people would think of me. Crying doesn’t make me a lesser person. This is the way I chose to deal w/ painful things. (kaysa naman mging wasted drunk ako sa mga bars everywhere hehe) D ko yata carry yon! Running away from problems n pain doesn’t end it. So might as well face and deal w/ it na lang db? Im avoiding to rush this phase I have to go through. I want to savor each step of d way coz I know it’ll make me a better person at the end of it all. Time will heal d pain…No person shall come 2 me n tell me na “tama na nga yan…move on!” Ako lang ang mkakapagsabi kung kailan wala ng masakit at kung kelan ready nko to let go. Hindi rin ako magpapakaplastik pra lang masabi ng iba na matalino ako’t matapang. More than any one else, I believe we should always be honest sa sarili natin. Learn to listen fr d voice w/in (d po ung kakaibang voice ha…baka pang sisa na yan! =p) what I meant it is d balance of listening to both our hearts and minds.

All comments whether bad or good, is very much appreciated. Kahit yung mga narereceive kong advices in actual life. I’m collecting those then finifilter ko thru my own way of understanding. Sana lng po kung sino man mga magbabasa ng blog ko would consider d fact that everything im typing here is my own experiences, views and perceptions…kya nga most of d tme im starting my sentences w/ “I believe…” If u think im stupid for doing these things or thinking dis way…call nyo yan kung gusto nuo magcomment. But dnt xpect that it’ll change me, neither my perception. This is me, and this is how I chose 2 live my life.


Karen dear…f u think d k p nagigising…ok lng yan…njoy d dream! Queber sa mga nkikialam sa buhay ng may buhay…cla rin naman ang mpapagod believe me. Ika nga mahirap gsingin ang taong nagtutulog-tulugan. Yan tyo, we chose 2 be like dat kc we dnt want 2 let go of something n part na ng sistema ntin. Kasi tyo lng naman mkakaalam when is d ryt time to let go of smething or sme1. Nobody else can! madali lng sa iba n magcomment coz wla sila sa sitwasyon. Di nila maiintindihan ang mga bagay n nkikitaan mo p ng pagasa. Its ok 2 dream…d nman lahat nauuwi lng sa panaganip. May iba na ngkakatotoo rin. Like what I’ve said sa previous blog ko…lets just not be blinded by facts and reality. Pag nkahain na sa harap mo ang katotohanan at realidad…take ur time to grasp it…embrace it kpag ready ka na. Walang dapat pilitin or madaliin. Pero wg din nman super slow… bka mapagiwanan tyo ng panahon. Hehehe Basta bilib ako syo girl! U know how to fight 4 sme1 n impt syo…d kgaya ng iba dyan…

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

LEARNING HOW TO ROLL OVER THE PUNCHES...


Well, this is my 2nd tme 2 blog… 1st on my own (yipeee!!!) thanks 2 my gud friend eric- hu has been long tme convincing me 2 try this “blogging thing” out. 2 top it all… he was even more patient editing “my not so creative ideas”. Hehehe

Ok I admit, if I haven’t broken up with my guy just recently cguro I wont be doing dis at all. Syempre I wont have time for this. Surprisingly, I am now excited abt xperiencing dis whole thing. Tsaka eric s ryt…dis is a gud way to release stress. I believe it can help me exercise my mind and spirit too since I can do anything I want and type anything dat would come across my mind. Ika nga…DIS IS MY WORLD! Mumurahin ko d2 kung cnong gusto kong murahin! (ang cheap!hehe) Rather dan trying too hard 2 do yoga moves, e2 muna pagkakaabalahan ko. Hehehe Strange…here im laughing out loud. Pero in actual life, I can hardly smile dis days. Sana I could lie and tell d world dat im ok…so as not 2 gain pity or any sarcastic comments. Oo nga, I may not b as happy as what other’s are expecting me 2 be…but I seem 2 know n feel dat in d end of dis dark, long tunnel…a ray of light awaits me.


For those who have extra time for rubbish:
may proceed reading, gus2 ko lng po ishare…(to those people who, like me is learning how to roll over the punches...)

I kinda have seen this coming…the abrupt end of a super sheltered relationship. We knew fr d start dat d relationship we’re planning 2 jump in2, needs all those “extras”. Us coming from both ends of d world… more patience, more understanding, extra care, extra love n d list goes on,should be added as ingredients. Tigas kc ng ulo namin, eh ayaw papigil! We thought strong feelings are enough 4 us to survive it all. We were like kids playing in the rain- too happy and too careless to think abt things that myt happen next. Then problems of all types and sizes came, we got lost 4 a wyl n started doing things that hurt each oder. I had mistakenly chose d wrong decision that has left an unfortunate stain on our relationshp. I was determined to work things out, even if there was fear everywhere. It was unlucky for me 2 get a little lesser dan what I deserve fr him. But dats what I have gambled for… I wanted to prove him wrong… for thinking 2 bad and 2 shallow of me. We nearly fell apart but we struggled hard enough…we learned how to hold on tighter. We’re lucky to have both of our families very supportive 2 our seemingly fragile relationship. All the hardships were worth it coz for more than a year, our world became one. Shared joys and tears…experienced victory and defeat…felt loved and unloved... I am proud to say… we’ve been through heaven and hell together. Mostly were crazy memories…endless harutan, magdamagang debate, asaran at gulatan, countless midnight snacks, wlang humpay n puyatan sa dvd movies, …shared our first time to do dis n dat, 2 eat dis n dat, 2 experience dis n dat…hav created our own collection of hilarious lines… “COWAAARD!!!”, “DO U HAV AN APPOINTMENT?!” (both w/ indian accent hihi) , “PAEXPERIENCE NAMAN”, “AKO C KARREL…DISKAREL!” not so funny 4 u huh? Hard 2 relate noh? Kc I told ya it was all in our own world…

Unfortunately, things don’t happen as how we always want it. Good things are never meant to last. Sabi nga nya… “DI LAGING PASKO”. He just couldn’t 4get about his so called “ jen’s huge mistake” while I was left feeling unwanted. Got no choice but to accept his anger, insults, mistake and long hours of him going out with friends and “God knows hu else”… I began noticing that he wasn’t being fair anymore. Using my old mistake as an excuse to do his thing. In fairness to him, he gets guilty every time he does something hurtful. He’d try to make up for these mistakes. But temptation was everywhere and he wasn’t strong for all of these. Our differences emerge…mga dati naming nawowork out na little flaws, lumalaki over nyt. For quite some time, he tried making some useless phone calls arguing with me…maybe just 2 save his butt from guilt…masabi lng dat he tried. No more extra efforts like before. I was convincing myself to wait till his back on his feet again. Maybe d relationship was stressing him 2 much…I’ve gotta understand that i’ts not only me that has to be taken care of. I know he’s got a long list of responsibilities din. So I told him I’ll wait till his ready to compromise again. But while I put myself on hold…he was out there painting the town red. Pretty hard, isn’t it? When ur partner starts caring no more…den un n rin ang start of u 2 felling apart. Of course, it’s impossible 2 work it out if ur left alone, wanting to try and compromise. Well, rili I can’t blame him…the world out der is very promising. While our world 2geder is full of trials, old n weary, happy yet so familiar. Wala na nga cgurong thrill. Studies proved that most men loves “the chase”, “the pursuit”…the fever of anticipation and of course the initial kilig moments of dating. So that means I’m half to blame…I should have tried harder to keep the fire burning…and maybe myself more interesting. How unfair noh? Bakit sya even if he’s not exerting too much effort…I haven’t gone tired. Maybe it was real love that made me look at him in such a special way. For me kasi loving is not all about whats ideal and beautiful. It is learning to love the whole package. We don’t love a person only when everything’s smooth and blissful then leave them the moment its not. There’s no such thing as a perfect person, neither a perfect relationship. So we must learn to accept and love their imperfections and shortcomings…giving chances and room for improvement. But it doesn’t mean that we have to be blinded by facts and reality. We simply need a li’l more of loving.

I found him looking on a different direction…almost ready to go. The signs were all over but I was in denial. Tried patching things on my own. Forgetting d fact that it takes two to tango. Para akong tanga! doing the silliest things just 2 get his attention…just 2 get him do something… nagalit ako at inaway sya, naglambing at inamo sya, kulang na lng sumirko ako sa harap nya. I was terribly sad and longing for the old guy I used 2 know… He’s totally changed. Di na sya ang dating hub na nasasandalan ko. He got tired of it all… The worst thing he has stopped arguing… he doesn’t want to fight for us anymore.

The most painful part is him saying…”pagod na ako maging malungkot…mas masaya na ako ngayon” *Bang!* as if I have heard a shot fr a gun, just some few inches away from my head.. STUPID FOOL! I should have realized it long b4 I heard dis. Sobra sakit coz I even have founded some proofs of him being happy with somebody else. I think it won’t be fair 2 him if I would go into details. If the replacement girl is just for a rebound or for real…dat I wouldn’t know. I chose 2 care less… I started chasing for reasons…maybe I wasn’t a good partner…maybe d relationship was too tiring already…maybe I wasn’t understanding at all…perhaps he has his own deeper reasons for all of these…cguro it just wasn’t meant 2 be. Surely, I had my share of shortcomings…but does it give him the bloody reason to give it all up?

After all what I found out…I knew my heart could easily forgive. But how can I forgive him when his not even sorry even for what he did?
Ano pang magiging laban ko sa sinabi nya? Wala na db? I’m definitely not gonna stand on his way…never will I be a hindrance to his happiness.
While every body would tell me to simply move on… still 4 me it’s easier said than done. Breaking up is never simple…never easy…It’s always meant 2 break somebody’s heart…but could mean freedom and happiness for the other one.

So what it is really the greatest secret of a lasting relationship? Most of us are dying to know. I wanna share the story of the book I finished reading just recently- d book I accidentally founded inside the aircraft when I was still flying. That time I wasn’t a book fanatic, so I kept it with me for quite a long time now… not realizing it’ll be a part of my life in such an incredible way…It’s been 5 years now since I first landed a hand on that book (d same year when i first met hub). I occasionally brushed up on some of its pages for a couple of times. But I was far too busy with so many things that it took me years to finally settle my ass and finish reading it.
Everything happens for a reason…d lesson of d story was unfolded to me just now… because it is meant to help me fathom my recent break up.
“Man and wife” by Tony Parsons- touching yet realistic story about love inside and out of marriage…struggles of finding d ryt person…about why we fall in love and why we let go.


“You have to keep falling in love with the same person over and over again”.

It was his mother sharing the secret of her undying love to his father. Funny how we always want to find d right person for us…overlooking the fact that its more important and more realistic to be the right person for the one we love…by simply trying our best…by doing those extras. Fate may be the key to finding that special some one…but it is our free will if we’d choose to stay in love with that person.

“Why settle for less?!” I heard this so often from people who were lucky enough to have tons of beautiful choices. Maybe this is good enough for those who doesn’t want to stop the chase for freedom and selfish happiness.

“Madaming isda sa dagat” a good excuse fr griping broken hearted people. Pero para skin, oo madami ngang isda sa dagat…pero di lahat ay pwedeng hulihin… ang iba ay nakakatinik…di lahat ay masarap sa panlasa… depende sa taong kakain. Gets nyo?! Chemistry n d so called spark counts a lot… so I suggest when u find that special some one…stop d chase n make d best out of that luck! coz if we’re always goin to look 4 the better ones…sobrang dami dyan! Endless search kc laging may mas… Unlike some other things, wherein we need NOT to be contented, for us to open new great possibilities…relationships shouldn’t be treated in the same way. Otherwise, too many hearts will be broken and too much time and effort will be wasted. “When u find that special someone…take care and love him/her the best way u could. Coz if you lost him/her…then you have to search the world all over again”

But at the end of this long weary day…I seem to find the answer to my questions. The break up was not about my man being cruel and selfish alone. Knowing him, I should think that it was never easy for him to break my heart. It’s just that maybe he realized that he can’t be the right person to me or the other way around. He can’t force himself to sacrifice everything when all along he knew and felt I wasn’t the right one for him
.
We should never bargain for love…it should always be given in free will.

(perhaps the next thing I should learn is the art of letting go…sigh…)

Monday, August 08, 2005

My inspiration...

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1st blog!

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that's me with my closest friend in USTe (Michelly, Joyce and Pi)