Saturday, September 24, 2005

PONDERING MOMENTS...

My past few weeks was busy n fun weeks… namiss ko tuloy ung quiet n pondering moments ko… Sabi ko na nga ba eh after all d laughing…crying naman. But nothing drastic really happened (thank God!)…it was jst me on ‘emote mode’ again. cguro naman im licensed 2 do dis coz im stil in d so called healing process. Smetmes, I believe we all need that…some deep thinking and soul searching.

Friday…Quiapo day. Oh how I’ve been longing for this day…cancelled my oder sched jst 4 dis. Kht malayo n khit umuulan cge lng…go p rin. As expected, d church was packed w/ diff people fr all walks of life. As I saw faces, closed eyes n lips murmuring prayers… I told my self “I bet they have greater needs than myself”. And worst maybe some of them have bigger problems than I have. But my heart just truly knows, most of them are also saying thank you prayers. And that’s what I wanted to do on that very moment…just say thank you. God have seen me at my worst… have heard my silent cries…have touched my wounded heart and… currently in d process of curing my bruised soul. He’s the only reason why I’m still sane and well. He never left me alone and even if He doesn’t grant all my wishes every time…I am still thankful. I know he’s not giving those coz He has greater plans for me.

I can still recall my 2nd to the last visit at Quiapo church…I was with Mama Che and t***. Our relationship was already rocky then. He was tightly holding my hand…were both staring at d altar n saying our own prayers… I dnt know wats in hub’s prayer… but thru his strong grip against my hand…I know it was all about us and our 2 loving angels. With my eyes in tears…I whispered the wishes of my heart…

God u know how much I love dis person…I am more than thankful that you gave him to me. We are goin’ through a lot these days and I just want You to pls let him feel how much I love him…regardless of all d hardship n pain. pls always send an angel to whisper at his ears my loving thoughts every day…coz lately its getting harder to do it myself. It seemed he doesn’t believe I still do. I hate to see loneliness in his eyes…so if its better that we part ways…then help us deal with it in d best n kindest way possible. I hate to see him go but I’ll hate myself more if I’d continue seeing him unhappy. But of course I’ll be more pleased if we’d patch things up and be happy again. Though I’m scared he’s not wishing the same. Well I know, You know better…please help us dear God. Amen…

On our way out…he gave me a kiss on my forehead and hugged me…I kissed him back and hugged him all through way out…

After a month we broke up…can any one blame me for feeling so devastated? I have hoped for the best but got hurt in so many ways. And yet I can’t blame God for all of these… our fate was in our hands…it was hub who made his choice and d only option I had was to accept it…no matter how hard.

After quiapo church… tutuban was my next destination…had to buy myself sme soaps n Chinese herbs at a Chinese drugstore there. D tiange stalls was a delightful attraction to me so I decided 2 stay longer dan usual. Bought my girl cousins some friendship bracelets n metallic mirror n combs 4 d guys…toys 4 kobe…and… u wouldn want 2 knw d rest. =p Hmmm…I missed this…quality time for myself…

I found myself in an open area were there were several food stations surrounding chairs and tables. I chose to get a seat at the middle of all of these… trying to isolate myself from the people who wanted to get near d spot, where d barbecues are (which is d specialty there I guess). I ordered myself a water melon shake, sme pork bbqs and a foot long. Hehehe

While I was enjoying my sumptuous night meryenda… few meters away…a muslim guy started playing his pirated cds… he was also selling those cheap dvd and karaoke players, n made use of it to get buyers attention perhaps. I had that weird imagination…w/ a li’l help of d smoky environment and a gud choice of music fr a muslim guy…completed it all. Music is such a weakness! =) I felt like that I was actually watching an MTV in d making…hmmm im rili enjoying these…I told myself.

Unfortunately, d smile I had earlier faded in seconds…

Amidst the vast variety of faces surrounding me…I was imagining hub’s face. =( tears started falling down my cheeks (oh no jenny not agen!) but I jst couldn’t stop myself. Gud thing dat d people was way 2 busy w/ their meals to even notice me. I was looking at nowhere…n started asking myself…why am I missing this guy? He have hurt me numerous times…I should be happier now that that he’s gone.

“I am missing the old hub I used know…what he has become now is someone I would never want to meet again.” I came to tell myself a lot of times…that its not him finding another person to love that left me all burdened. falling out of love is a reality, I know. I can forgive him for that. But what’s hard to accept is him giving me last memories of anger and pain. It was him not even wanting to say sorry for hurting me…he didn’t even try to wipe away my tears b4 leaving. But I didn’t miss the chance to tell him I regret the times that I held him back…for making it hard for him to leave. I was sorry if I worked so hard for our relationship that I didn’t even think if he wanted the same. “I am sorry for being so selfish…I am truly sorry for all the pain I caused u”…those were my last words for him. I was so sorry for both of us… and my last sight of him…his head slightly tilted downwards, facing the door way… he was extending his arm to get my duplicate of their house keys from me. Yes…no more holding back. Good bye for good. And now, no matter how it kills me…I am determined to build that wall…small world no more, for us. I will forever hide the face he chose to leave…


Then I found this guy staring at me…I wonder how long have he been watching me. He jst nodded his head and gave me a mysterious smile. That was the only time I noticed his cute face…but what d heck?! He screwed up my moment! …so I left my table and went inside the mall again.

They say it only hurts when it matters…needless to say how important this guy is, coz I’m still hurting like hell now. I have moved on…it’s a fact. I have learned to live each day without him. I’m proud of myself for not making sneaky secret calls to their house (jst like mst exs do). have forced myself to get mad at him so I wont be affected by news abt him being w/ another girl. Have removed d stuff that reminds me of him. Yes I have already let him go…but I haven’t stopped loving him…and its sad sometimes.

I remember a priest friend of mine, once told “it is so easy to love those people who we love and who loves us d same…but its hard to love those people who doesn’t loves us back…but it’s d virtue of true love”.

He said those inspiring thoughts in a mass ages ago…but I remembered it…my heart remembered those words. He explained, its easy to love someone lovable…someone worth d feeling…some one you know who could reciprocate the love were giving…but its hard to give love to people who hurt us, people who’s not beautiful, people who can’t respond to d love were giving- like those stinky street children, a long time enemy or a bf/gf/husband/wife who have cheated on us. that’s true love…loving even if its hard and painful…loving even if were not going to get any thing in return. He even encouraged us…”dis coming xmas…while making our list of people who where goin’ 2 buy some gifts…please include in your list…those street children who cant send u gifts in return…include ur enemies and people who have hurt you in one way or another. Send them a gift of love, sharing and forgiveness”.

So then again I’ve learned another lesson of life.


I love hub even if… inspite of…and no matter what. In my own subtle way…I am loving him still.




Monday, September 19, 2005

WARRIOR IS A CHILD...

Just when I thought I was already over him…reality creeps in.

I forgot to switch off d tv after watching “pinoy big brother”. I still had aftershocks fr all the laughing and pang-oo-cry namin ng couz ko sa mga housemates. I know its quite mean, bt we did it jst 4 a laugh. Nothing mre dan dat…coz we know at tmes we’re acting d same way- minsan maarte, or maangas, over protective, O.A., funny n d list goes on. That’s y even if a lot of people finds PBB jologs and corny…dami p rin nanonood coz people can some how relate.

Its already late n jenny still isn’t sleepy…so she decided to do some floor exercises.

I was doing half push ups when I heard the song “how did u know”. Tried hard not to be destructed but it was hard not 2 pay attention to a song that reminds me of something n some1 special. I cnt help but recall how dat song made me fell on my knees n left my ex and I almost teary eyed… inside a movie house abt a year ago.

Then I pushed harder! ”Come on jenny ur not letting dis false fantasy thing bother ur mind again! ”, I told myself. Few mins after, heard d song “warrior as a child” on tv. It was gary v. singing it in his concert “symphony of d heart”. The nxt thing is me bursting in tears… with my face on the floor…I totally gave in 2 the spear of d moment.

How can I stay strong when I felt that it was HIM touching my heart. it seems that God wants to tell me “hey jen u dnt need to pretend ur strong and feeling ok. Right now…u are not…but I AM HERE.”

WARRIOR IS A CHILD
by: Gary V.

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
I'm strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
Chorus:
They don't know that I come running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while(Look up for His smile)
'Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child (Aahhh)
Unafraid because His arrow is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
I never face retreat, oh no
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet
Chorus:
They don't know that I come running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while(Look up for His smile)
'Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child (Aahhh)
They don't know that I come running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while(Look up for His smile)
'Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child (Aahhh)

Yes, just when I thought I was ok…reality creeps in.

I know I have to loosen up and get real. I didn’t notice myself that I was actually faking my emotions. Just because I didn’t want my loved ones 2 get worried abt me sinking in loneliness n solitude… I indulge myself with so much work…fun but tiring activities…even refused to sleep and rest.I totally deprived myself from the things I need most.
God know me so well.. He jst know when 2 tap my back...wipe away my tears and when to carry me home...
I admit im far from being perfect...but i know God loves me regardless of that fact.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

singit blog =P


drawing 2 ni alex 4 me...hehehe ang cute noh? naalala ko 2loy hanapin ung drawing n bgay sakin nung batang inalagaan ko in one of my flights to london. post ko d2 one of these days. smetmes d simplest thing can be a priceless posesion u knw. =) kakawala ng pagod wen smebdy mkes an effort 2 brihten up ur day. singit lng 2ng entry na 2 coz ngppuyat kami ni candee sa movie review project nya... ang saya ni2 6 am na wla pa kming tulog... n c kokay bangag n bangag n! hehehe buti n lng kami ni alex fuly charge!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

sme facts abt me...

Its 5am na and yet my eyes are far fr being sleepy… wat d heck?! so e2 wyl im eating dalandan…nagbblog hopping n lng ako. hirap tlga pg d buo ang araw mo…kc naman c batang fishball eh…di ko nkita 2day…di 2loy ako nkakain ng fish and chix balls =(

Sagutan ko n nga lang 2 (got these fr some1’s blog)… hala paexperience! =)


FACT 1:
Name: Jenny Anne Acedera Fidelson
Birth date: 11- 07- 79
Birthplace: qc
Current Location: my bed room
Eye Color: black
Hair Color: black
Height: 5’5”
Right handed or Left handed: right
---------------------------------------------
FACT 2:
Race: filipino
Weakness: gud smelling guys definitely! n those wearing white clothes 2...or someone hu can mke me laugh or smile atleast... =)
Biggest fear: death of myself or loved ones
Your perfect pizza: new yorker pizza w/ hot sauce
Goals you'd like to achieve: wana have a loving home n family of my own…n syempre lots of money 2 spend it w/ dem harharhar
----------------------------------------------
FACT 3:
Your....
most overused phrase(s): paexperience! galeeeng ah! asteeeg! ngak!...
Thoughts first waking up: how’s kobe in d oder room?
Best physical feature: boobs hahaha kidding…I think it wud b my smile =)
Usual bedtime: 5am (m serious…)
Most missed memory: college days and gulf air days… and t*** when he was still a man of worth n value (rili mis d old him…I super hate wat he has become now…though maybe im partly 2 b blamed...sigh)
----------------------------------------------
FACT 4:
Preferences....
Pepsi or Coke: neither (I prefer water, tea or juices)
McDonald's or Burger King: Mcdo
Single or group dates: group (dats 4 now…)
Lipton Iced Tea or Nestle tea: both
Chocolate or vanilla: both (love ice cream sobra! yumyummy! hehehe)
Cappuccino or Latte: latte
----------------------------------------------
FACT 5:
Do you....
Sing: parati po (kaya lang sablay eh =( ...)
Take a shower every day: twice a day (lalo n ngayn wla akong mgawa! suko n nga loofah ko eh…)
Have a crush(es): ruben of cueshe! ... n sam of pinoy big bro! hehehe
Want to get married: syempre noh!
Believe in yourself: yes
Get motion sickness: nah! byahera yata toh!
Think you're attractive: maybe…
Think you're a health freak: yes
Get along with your parents: mst of d tme yes…bt sometimes no (u knw how stubborn stage moms are!…love u ma! peace tyo =) )
Like thunderstorms: im scared of it =( magugulatin kc ako eh…
Play an instrument: b4
----------------------------------------------
FACT 6:
In the past month, you....
Drank alcohol: no
Gone on a date: no
Gone to the mall: yes (bought myself 5pairs of earrings n sme toys 4 kobe)
Eaten sushi:no
Been on stage: no
Gone skating: no
----------------------------------------------
FACT 7:
Age you hope to be married: 29
Numbers and Names of Children: haven’t think of it
Describe your Dream Wedding: hard 2 describe…I think it wud depend on hu im gona marry…(d whole thing must be collaborated by 2 in love souls…sweet!)
How do you want to die: some says dey wana die painless or wyl sleeping…but 4 me I wanna die beside some1 I really love…I WANNA DIE HAPPY AND SO IN LOVE!
----------------------------------------------
FACT 8:
List the number of...
People i trust with my life: my parents, my 2 sisters, tita sario, d old t***
cd u own: I got plenty
Piercings: 2 (sa ears lng po)
Tattoos: tattoo images lang…(inside my brain! ngak…)
Things in my past I wanna forget: I dnt think its possible unless il hav amnesia (I consider everything as a collection of hard earned lessons of life) <- kailngan tlga may explanation?! Harharhar =P ---------------------------------------------- FACT 9: What.... Music are you listening to now: tell me where it hurts
Time is it now: 4:45am
Your handphone model: nokia 5110 (kidding hehehe)
What are the things & ppl you treasure: my baby kobe,family,relatives,friends,pictures n videos of me w/ dem, memories of life n love… =)

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

glow in d dark...=)

When I lost him… I thought I have lost every thing. Felt that I was traveling through a very long dark tunnel. I was always sobbing that I 4got 2 look around. Then little by little I notice these sparkling objects…MGA GLOW IN D DARK! Hahaha funny man ang term but seriously I consider my family and friends as glow in dark objects of my life. Di man nila totally nappliwanag ang dark moments ko…in their own li’l ways their making me realize that my path is not as dark as what im expecting it 2 be. Dahil sa kanila unti2 ko nang naaaninag ang daan papalabas. now im courageously taking small steps forward…

Weird as it seems but after the break up…I became closer to his family. Dati na kaming close but this tme, they have doubled their love and support. Kgaya ng family ko wala silang kinakampihan at sinisisi sa nangyari. They’re all supportive 2 both of us. Kahit p b sobra akong sinaktan at sinasaktan ni **** lately, I jst cant stop loving his family. I’m still as worried sa feelings ni mama che. Cnt hide my deep concern k ate gigi n kids, k lolo n lola. Ewan ko b I really care abt them!… kahit now im learning not to care abt ****. Tita carol even assured me that nothing would change with regards 2 our feelings of attachment. We’d still be the same huge extended family we’ve always been. but of course I have to set boundaries so as not 2 hurt somebody. In respect 2 d “new girl on d block”…mkakaasa sya n walang paninirang manggagaling sakin. I know my limitations n I know d value of respect. Pag nandyan sya…or cla…im definitely nt showing up.

Sad thing lapit n rin cna tita carol mag migrate 2 australia. =( Di nga kmi sure kung cno ang mauunang umalis ng pinas…ako o cla. It ol dpends sa bilis ng processing of our papers. I jst wish we could still spend xmas n new yr here. Pero come wat may, ngpromise n kmi sa isat isa ni tita that we’d try our best na mgkita evry now and then…kahit san mang sulok pa kami mapadpad. Matitiis ko b n d mkita sina candy n alex?! No way! They’re d bro n sister (younger) I never had. So definitely il get back 2 flying so I could visit them often.

Haaayyy…candy! Pra kitang bf! Everyday na lng tyo mgkausap sa phone. But seriously, I wana thank u for being there. For making me laugh…and for trying really hard na makabangon ako. Kahit ano kinukwento mo wag ko lng maisip c ****…kya lng d effective! Nyehehe =( may pakanta kanta k pang nalalaman! =p ung mass na inatendan ntin last Sunday was a wake up call…at ung peanut butter n binili natin... un ang nagpapasaya sa sikmura ko 2wing madaling araw! Hehehe naway paghandaan mo ang pagsleep over ko dyan dis weekend. Excited nko…sayang nga lng d ksama c kobe…






Friday, September 02, 2005

KOBE'S BIRTHDAY! =)



This week was a blast! kakapagod pero enjoy... Sobrang saya ng birthday ni baby kobe! 2nd bday…2 day celebration… waaahhh ang gastos nga lang! Hehehe Pero worthit lahat ng pagod ko when I saw those huge smiles at countless giggles ng li’l angel ko at ng mga bisita nyang chikiting. Even kaming mga matatatanda nakisali sa gulo nang pagagawan ung mga sobrang souvenir accessories. Best buy talaga! Feels gud seeing dem wear those necklaces n pinili ko! Now bumabawi ako sa tulog coz a week b4 d occasion bc nko sa preparations, then sumabay pa ung death ni tatay jonny na as usual pinaglamayan din namin ni mato kahit wala ng pahinga. As in pasmado na nga ako kc pagtapos magluto diretso ligo then pasyal, and asikaso sa mga cousins kong nagstay sa bahay b4 n after kob’s bday. Grabe hirap ng walang katulong, wlang yaya, walang asawa! Hehe joke! Ok lng na I dnt have anybdy coz wala rin ako kahati sa reward after. Solong hirap…solong happiness din. Sounds pathetic b? hu cares basta masaya ako kc napasaya ko ang kiddo ko! =) pero seriously, syempre mas masaya if I have all my love ones w/ us 2 celebrate dat day. Pero k lng… may next time pa naman. =)





DEALING WITH LOST AND DEATH

The past 2 months was a big adjustment for me… trying to cope up on situation that’s too painful and harsh. But I must say I’m learning a lot from these experiences. I proved myself that what I recently did for my “failed’ relationship wasn’t at all a failure. Maybe in some ways it is, but for me it is more of a triumphant challenge that I was able to get pass through.

Looking around me…I have seen people experiencing lost. Tatay jonny passed away recently…sya lang naman ang cool at mabait na tatay ng choirmates kong sina jong, alma n anabelle. Sad noh? Then my closest tita sario had to move to a friend’s house. kung kelan nasanay nako na lagi syang nasa bahay at kakwentuhan ko. My frnds dencil and lyn broke up din. Then ate gi** decided to leave his playboy husband. Just yesterday, eric one of my closest friend, left for US. Joyce fr d same circle of “my mst real frnds” is currently doing her solas and soon will be leaving pinas for work. Then ako…before the year ends or after, hav to go somewhere miles away fr home. Haaaayyyyyyy… So it made me realize d fact that I wasn’t d only one experiencing lost… every body is…anybody would…in some part of our lives.

Endless sharing of effective medications- this is what my dad, uncles, aunts and their friends are normally talking about. Gamot sa arthritis, diabetes, precautions ng mga prone sa heart attack or stroke, etc. Does it mean that they fear death? Or dat dey fear reality? Nah… I guess they’re just tryin to get hold onto something beautiful--- LIFE. Im sure when I reached the same age, I’ll be doing d same thing. Ngayon pa nga lang, sangkatutak na vitamins na ang nilalaklak ko eh! I admit I fear death but id rather put it this way…I LOVE LIFE! Kahit n nga ba puro problema at pagsubok ang buhay ko…I still love it d way it is.

Same thing applies to relationships… we want to hold on to something beautiful which is --- LOVE. So we nurture it with lots of vitamins- care, understanding, patience,etc. When it gets really sick we give it medications and more attention. We give everything we could possibly share just to prolong life…and love. Perhaps it is already our nature to fight for something important to us…to fight for life…to fight for love.

After exerting those “extras” and our very best, and still death comes along...then we face fear. Great fear of losing something that we have worked hard for… something we value so much. It aint easy to let go of something that has been a part of our whole being…so still we fight even if we know na wala tyong laban sa fate…sa kagustuhan nung NASA TAAS.


…then we give our all…then we get tired…then we stop struggling…then we start accepting…then we open our arms… then we simply let go. Wala na tyong dapat pagsisihan when reach dat point…coz we already gave our best shot. We did our part so its time to let God take over.

I came to realize that there’s a good thing in fearing lost and death… we learn to give importance to what we have and doesn’t have. We learn to value our past, present and our future. It gives us a chance to make the best out of our lives and all sort of relationships. It teaches us to dream and inspires us to make it come true. The same fear teaches us to be brave enough to live… to love… and to let go.

Its ok to fear lost and death, for it only proves that we value the greatest gift of God---- LIFE and LOVE. Let us all enjoy the fleeting moment…let us try to be worthy of the gift.