Saturday, September 24, 2005

PONDERING MOMENTS...

My past few weeks was busy n fun weeks… namiss ko tuloy ung quiet n pondering moments ko… Sabi ko na nga ba eh after all d laughing…crying naman. But nothing drastic really happened (thank God!)…it was jst me on ‘emote mode’ again. cguro naman im licensed 2 do dis coz im stil in d so called healing process. Smetmes, I believe we all need that…some deep thinking and soul searching.

Friday…Quiapo day. Oh how I’ve been longing for this day…cancelled my oder sched jst 4 dis. Kht malayo n khit umuulan cge lng…go p rin. As expected, d church was packed w/ diff people fr all walks of life. As I saw faces, closed eyes n lips murmuring prayers… I told my self “I bet they have greater needs than myself”. And worst maybe some of them have bigger problems than I have. But my heart just truly knows, most of them are also saying thank you prayers. And that’s what I wanted to do on that very moment…just say thank you. God have seen me at my worst… have heard my silent cries…have touched my wounded heart and… currently in d process of curing my bruised soul. He’s the only reason why I’m still sane and well. He never left me alone and even if He doesn’t grant all my wishes every time…I am still thankful. I know he’s not giving those coz He has greater plans for me.

I can still recall my 2nd to the last visit at Quiapo church…I was with Mama Che and t***. Our relationship was already rocky then. He was tightly holding my hand…were both staring at d altar n saying our own prayers… I dnt know wats in hub’s prayer… but thru his strong grip against my hand…I know it was all about us and our 2 loving angels. With my eyes in tears…I whispered the wishes of my heart…

God u know how much I love dis person…I am more than thankful that you gave him to me. We are goin’ through a lot these days and I just want You to pls let him feel how much I love him…regardless of all d hardship n pain. pls always send an angel to whisper at his ears my loving thoughts every day…coz lately its getting harder to do it myself. It seemed he doesn’t believe I still do. I hate to see loneliness in his eyes…so if its better that we part ways…then help us deal with it in d best n kindest way possible. I hate to see him go but I’ll hate myself more if I’d continue seeing him unhappy. But of course I’ll be more pleased if we’d patch things up and be happy again. Though I’m scared he’s not wishing the same. Well I know, You know better…please help us dear God. Amen…

On our way out…he gave me a kiss on my forehead and hugged me…I kissed him back and hugged him all through way out…

After a month we broke up…can any one blame me for feeling so devastated? I have hoped for the best but got hurt in so many ways. And yet I can’t blame God for all of these… our fate was in our hands…it was hub who made his choice and d only option I had was to accept it…no matter how hard.

After quiapo church… tutuban was my next destination…had to buy myself sme soaps n Chinese herbs at a Chinese drugstore there. D tiange stalls was a delightful attraction to me so I decided 2 stay longer dan usual. Bought my girl cousins some friendship bracelets n metallic mirror n combs 4 d guys…toys 4 kobe…and… u wouldn want 2 knw d rest. =p Hmmm…I missed this…quality time for myself…

I found myself in an open area were there were several food stations surrounding chairs and tables. I chose to get a seat at the middle of all of these… trying to isolate myself from the people who wanted to get near d spot, where d barbecues are (which is d specialty there I guess). I ordered myself a water melon shake, sme pork bbqs and a foot long. Hehehe

While I was enjoying my sumptuous night meryenda… few meters away…a muslim guy started playing his pirated cds… he was also selling those cheap dvd and karaoke players, n made use of it to get buyers attention perhaps. I had that weird imagination…w/ a li’l help of d smoky environment and a gud choice of music fr a muslim guy…completed it all. Music is such a weakness! =) I felt like that I was actually watching an MTV in d making…hmmm im rili enjoying these…I told myself.

Unfortunately, d smile I had earlier faded in seconds…

Amidst the vast variety of faces surrounding me…I was imagining hub’s face. =( tears started falling down my cheeks (oh no jenny not agen!) but I jst couldn’t stop myself. Gud thing dat d people was way 2 busy w/ their meals to even notice me. I was looking at nowhere…n started asking myself…why am I missing this guy? He have hurt me numerous times…I should be happier now that that he’s gone.

“I am missing the old hub I used know…what he has become now is someone I would never want to meet again.” I came to tell myself a lot of times…that its not him finding another person to love that left me all burdened. falling out of love is a reality, I know. I can forgive him for that. But what’s hard to accept is him giving me last memories of anger and pain. It was him not even wanting to say sorry for hurting me…he didn’t even try to wipe away my tears b4 leaving. But I didn’t miss the chance to tell him I regret the times that I held him back…for making it hard for him to leave. I was sorry if I worked so hard for our relationship that I didn’t even think if he wanted the same. “I am sorry for being so selfish…I am truly sorry for all the pain I caused u”…those were my last words for him. I was so sorry for both of us… and my last sight of him…his head slightly tilted downwards, facing the door way… he was extending his arm to get my duplicate of their house keys from me. Yes…no more holding back. Good bye for good. And now, no matter how it kills me…I am determined to build that wall…small world no more, for us. I will forever hide the face he chose to leave…


Then I found this guy staring at me…I wonder how long have he been watching me. He jst nodded his head and gave me a mysterious smile. That was the only time I noticed his cute face…but what d heck?! He screwed up my moment! …so I left my table and went inside the mall again.

They say it only hurts when it matters…needless to say how important this guy is, coz I’m still hurting like hell now. I have moved on…it’s a fact. I have learned to live each day without him. I’m proud of myself for not making sneaky secret calls to their house (jst like mst exs do). have forced myself to get mad at him so I wont be affected by news abt him being w/ another girl. Have removed d stuff that reminds me of him. Yes I have already let him go…but I haven’t stopped loving him…and its sad sometimes.

I remember a priest friend of mine, once told “it is so easy to love those people who we love and who loves us d same…but its hard to love those people who doesn’t loves us back…but it’s d virtue of true love”.

He said those inspiring thoughts in a mass ages ago…but I remembered it…my heart remembered those words. He explained, its easy to love someone lovable…someone worth d feeling…some one you know who could reciprocate the love were giving…but its hard to give love to people who hurt us, people who’s not beautiful, people who can’t respond to d love were giving- like those stinky street children, a long time enemy or a bf/gf/husband/wife who have cheated on us. that’s true love…loving even if its hard and painful…loving even if were not going to get any thing in return. He even encouraged us…”dis coming xmas…while making our list of people who where goin’ 2 buy some gifts…please include in your list…those street children who cant send u gifts in return…include ur enemies and people who have hurt you in one way or another. Send them a gift of love, sharing and forgiveness”.

So then again I’ve learned another lesson of life.


I love hub even if… inspite of…and no matter what. In my own subtle way…I am loving him still.




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