Welcome to my world

WISH IM WITH MY LOVED ONES HERE IN SWITZERLAND...

2006-03-23T02:47:00.002+08:00

so now im here at one of my dream destination...switzerland. its winter here which is pretty cool coz i love wearing jackets hehehe. we're stayin here for 3 days and we have actulally went out to do the city tour with the rest of d crew. i wud want to go and see d alps...bt d prob is i dnt have enough money anymore coz i shopped too much. bought too many huge authentic bunny chocolates for kobe and my angels, and 5 swiss knives for 25 USD each which robbed my credit card. hehehe worst thing i left my 200 euro cash in my hotel room in abu dhabi. huh! i wish wen i get back its still der coz i think i left it in d open and i jst realized i left it wen i was already in d aircraft. gud thing i have my colleauge-solang, to lend me some cash for food and for transpo around d city.oderwise, my stay here will be hell! hehehe enuf od my stupid stories...il try to post some of our pics taken here at geneva, switzerland one of these days...

im back...

2006-03-20T22:23:00.000+08:00

well im bac...hope dis time i could find time 2 write as often as possible...i certainly missed 2 post a lot of memorable hapenings in my life recently...bt il try 2 catch up definitely. =)
im fying to geneva switzerland 2nyt...il try 2 post sme of d pics wen i get back...

lessons and souvenirs...

2005-10-08T01:14:00.000+08:00

Don’t carry extra baggage when u want 2 move on… a tip I have found 2 b very true.

More often dan not, It’s so easy to get mad to someone…esp 2 those people who irritate or hurt us in one way or another. Our human side would want to get even…would curse and would entertain evil thoughts…for me I think these are just normal (though of course its not right). Thinking bad is already a sin…and you’re just gona pile up d list of ur offense if ur gona make these thoughts into actions.

Eh bakit ko ba bigla naisip 2 write abt these things…kasi naman parang dumami lately ung mga taong sadyang nangiinis sa buhay ko. Hehehe dami ko prank callers and txtrs telling me dat dey found my name and number written in a public bus…even published in a job finder magazine…have found people telling nasty things behind my bac…im sure some people are also happy dat my relationshp w/ t*** has finally ended (for dem it’s a dream cme true) and d list goes on. I used to cry over these things…till I realized I cant really please every body…and that I would just gain more wrinkles for making a big fuss abt it all. hay nkakapanget tlga ang mga pasaway na to sa buhay ko! Smetmes its jst hard to pretend na di ka apektado eh…pero miraculously after 1 early morning of watching 700 club on tv…bigla n lng parang nawala ang anger and resentments ko. Ang dami ko narealize…na marami pala sa mga pinagpipray ko was just w/in my reach. I have long wished to move on after after my break up…un lang pala ang secret…eradicate those extra luggage! (Now I can say that I have really 4given na d big pasaways in my life) =) i wud want to say sory din 2 those people i came to indirectly clash with. sorry talaga!

Its ok to get mad once in a while…but after dat we should learn how to release d heavy feeling. Its ok to experience the humps along d road…but never stop n stay on top of it. came pass through it then move on…

700 club didn’t create an angel through a miracle…not even a saint…but they have created a more understanding jen…and for me that’s a huge miracle already. It made me feel so light and relieved. I admit I still fear leaving pinas coz im gona miss a bunch of people close to my heart esp kobe n aaron…but its like I am more ready now to battle and take a long journey ahead of me. I am more inspired coz I know gud things and more blessings are coming my way. The road may never be easy but im just glad that God is always there to be my guide.

I just couldn’t get enough w/ the lessons im learning every day…I am always excited about each day…gud or bad, sme things are meant to teach us something.

While I normally get myself some souvenirs from every place I travel…im also picking up lessons from my every day journey to life. =)

mama goin' home...yipeeh!!!

2005-10-04T03:15:00.000+08:00

well...well...well...mama s goin' home fr dubai dis coming sat...i jst feel so excited (n a bit nervous 4 my dad hehehe) im gona make sure she'll enjoy her 3 weeks stay in pinas. i've got series of plans na were 2 take her (gastos nga lang nya hehe) im thinking na rin how 2 surprise her on her bday. sana rin umabot sya on my bday. wish ko lng cease fire muna cla ni papa...well im quite sure na after ng labasan ng sama ng loob...bakasyon engrande na i2! wohaaah!!!

nkka2wa tlga coz after all my kamalasan...dumarating n yta ang mga swerte ko, li'l by little...ang mga nkakapagpasaya sakin...my family...kuya luoie n dex goin home din on nov...tapos ate mae and her family on december! hay nonstop saya! si ate ging lang di ko mkikita dis yr. but by feb mkakasama ko na naman sya eh so ok lng.

dis coming fri...im gonna cook for my friends sa pad ni paeng. yihheee...im gona try 2 make up for my short comings sa mga beloved friends ko. excited n tlga ako abt so many things lately...its lyk things are starting 2 fall in its ryt place n...hay patience tlga is a virtue! i thank God for every thing! lalalalalala dubidu dudu =) cheers!!!

PONDERING MOMENTS...

2005-09-24T05:18:00.000+08:00

My past few weeks was busy n fun weeks… namiss ko tuloy ung quiet n pondering moments ko… Sabi ko na nga ba eh after all d laughing…crying naman. But nothing drastic really happened (thank God!)…it was jst me on ‘emote mode’ again. cguro naman im licensed 2 do dis coz im stil in d so called healing process. Smetmes, I believe we all need that…some deep thinking and soul searching.

Friday…Quiapo day. Oh how I’ve been longing for this day…cancelled my oder sched jst 4 dis. Kht malayo n khit umuulan cge lng…go p rin. As expected, d church was packed w/ diff people fr all walks of life. As I saw faces, closed eyes n lips murmuring prayers… I told my self “I bet they have greater needs than myself”. And worst maybe some of them have bigger problems than I have. But my heart just truly knows, most of them are also saying thank you prayers. And that’s what I wanted to do on that very moment…just say thank you. God have seen me at my worst… have heard my silent cries…have touched my wounded heart and… currently in d process of curing my bruised soul. He’s the only reason why I’m still sane and well. He never left me alone and even if He doesn’t grant all my wishes every time…I am still thankful. I know he’s not giving those coz He has greater plans for me.

I can still recall my 2nd to the last visit at Quiapo church…I was with Mama Che and t***. Our relationship was already rocky then. He was tightly holding my hand…were both staring at d altar n saying our own prayers… I dnt know wats in hub’s prayer… but thru his strong grip against my hand…I know it was all about us and our 2 loving angels. With my eyes in tears…I whispered the wishes of my heart…

God u know how much I love dis person…I am more than thankful that you gave him to me. We are goin’ through a lot these days and I just want You to pls let him feel how much I love him…regardless of all d hardship n pain. pls always send an angel to whisper at his ears my loving thoughts every day…coz lately its getting harder to do it myself. It seemed he doesn’t believe I still do. I hate to see loneliness in his eyes…so if its better that we part ways…then help us deal with it in d best n kindest way possible. I hate to see him go but I’ll hate myself more if I’d continue seeing him unhappy. But of course I’ll be more pleased if we’d patch things up and be happy again. Though I’m scared he’s not wishing the same. Well I know, You know better…please help us dear God. Amen…

On our way out…he gave me a kiss on my forehead and hugged me…I kissed him back and hugged him all through way out…

After a month we broke up…can any one blame me for feeling so devastated? I have hoped for the best but got hurt in so many ways. And yet I can’t blame God for all of these… our fate was in our hands…it was hub who made his choice and d only option I had was to accept it…no matter how hard.

After quiapo church… tutuban was my next destination…had to buy myself sme soaps n Chinese herbs at a Chinese drugstore there. D tiange stalls was a delightful attraction to me so I decided 2 stay longer dan usual. Bought my girl cousins some friendship bracelets n metallic mirror n combs 4 d guys…toys 4 kobe…and… u wouldn want 2 knw d rest. =p Hmmm…I missed this…quality time for myself…

I found myself in an open area were there were several food stations surrounding chairs and tables. I chose to get a seat at the middle of all of these… trying to isolate myself from the people who wanted to get near d spot, where d barbecues are (which is d specialty there I guess). I ordered myself a water melon shake, sme pork bbqs and a foot long. Hehehe

While I was enjoying my sumptuous night meryenda… few meters away…a muslim guy started playing his pirated cds… he was also selling those cheap dvd and karaoke players, n made use of it to get buyers attention perhaps. I had that weird imagination…w/ a li’l help of d smoky environment and a gud choice of music fr a muslim guy…completed it all. Music is such a weakness! =) I felt like that I was actually watching an MTV in d making…hmmm im rili enjoying these…I told myself.

Unfortunately, d smile I had earlier faded in seconds…

Amidst the vast variety of faces surrounding me…I was imagining hub’s face. =( tears started falling down my cheeks (oh no jenny not agen!) but I jst couldn’t stop myself. Gud thing dat d people was way 2 busy w/ their meals to even notice me. I was looking at nowhere…n started asking myself…why am I missing this guy? He have hurt me numerous times…I should be happier now that that he’s gone.

“I am missing the old hub I used know…what he has become now is someone I would never want to meet again.” I came to tell myself a lot of times…that its not him finding another person to love that left me all burdened. falling out of love is a reality, I know. I can forgive him for that. But what’s hard to accept is him giving me last memories of anger and pain. It was him not even wanting to say sorry for hurting me…he didn’t even try to wipe away my tears b4 leaving. But I didn’t miss the chance to tell him I regret the times that I held him back…for making it hard for him to leave. I was sorry if I worked so hard for our relationship that I didn’t even think if he wanted the same. “I am sorry for being so selfish…I am truly sorry for all the pain I caused u”…those were my last words for him. I was so sorry for both of us… and my last sight of him…his head slightly tilted downwards, facing the door way… he was extending his arm to get my duplicate of their house keys from me. Yes…no more holding back. Good bye for good. And now, no matter how it kills me…I am determined to build that wall…small world no more, for us. I will forever hide the face he chose to leave…

Then I found this guy staring at me…I wonder how long have he been watching me. He jst nodded his head and gave me a mysterious smile. That was the only time I noticed his cute face…but what d heck?! He screwed up my moment! …so I left my table and went inside the mall again.

They say it only hurts when it matters…needless to say how important this guy is, coz I’m still hurting like hell now. I have moved on…it’s a fact. I have learned to live each day without him. I’m proud of myself for not making sneaky secret calls to their house (jst like mst exs do). have forced myself to get mad at him so I wont be affected by news abt him being w/ another girl. Have removed d stuff that reminds me of him. Yes I have already let him go…but I haven’t stopped loving him…and its sad sometimes.

I remember a priest friend of mine, once told “it is so easy to love those people who we love and who loves us d same…but its hard to love those people who doesn’t loves us back…but it’s d virtue of true love”.

He said those inspiring thoughts in a mass ages ago…but I remembered it…my heart remembered those words. He explained, its easy to love someone lovable…someone worth d feeling…some one you know who could reciprocate the love were giving…but its hard to give love to people who hurt us, people who’s not beautiful, people who can’t respond to d love were giving- like those stinky street children, a long time enemy or a bf/gf/husband/wife who have cheated on us. that’s true love…loving even if its hard and painful…loving even if were not going to get any thing in return. He even encouraged us…”dis coming xmas…while making our list of people who where goin’ 2 buy some gifts…please include in your list…those street children who cant send u gifts in return…include ur enemies and people who have hurt you in one way or another. Send them a gift of love, sharing and forgiveness”.

So then again I’ve learned another lesson of life.

I love hub even if… inspite of…and no matter what. In my own subtle way…I am loving him still.

WARRIOR IS A CHILD...

2005-09-19T02:05:00.000+08:00

Just when I thought I was already over him…reality creeps in.

I forgot to switch off d tv after watching “pinoy big brother”. I still had aftershocks fr all the laughing and pang-oo-cry namin ng couz ko sa mga housemates. I know its quite mean, bt we did it jst 4 a laugh. Nothing mre dan dat…coz we know at tmes we’re acting d same way- minsan maarte, or maangas, over protective, O.A., funny n d list goes on. That’s y even if a lot of people finds PBB jologs and corny…dami p rin nanonood coz people can some how relate.

Its already late n jenny still isn’t sleepy…so she decided to do some floor exercises.

I was doing half push ups when I heard the song “how did u know”. Tried hard not to be destructed but it was hard not 2 pay attention to a song that reminds me of something n some1 special. I cnt help but recall how dat song made me fell on my knees n left my ex and I almost teary eyed… inside a movie house abt a year ago.

Then I pushed harder! ”Come on jenny ur not letting dis false fantasy thing bother ur mind again! ”, I told myself. Few mins after, heard d song “warrior as a child” on tv. It was gary v. singing it in his concert “symphony of d heart”. The nxt thing is me bursting in tears… with my face on the floor…I totally gave in 2 the spear of d moment.

How can I stay strong when I felt that it was HIM touching my heart. it seems that God wants to tell me “hey jen u dnt need to pretend ur strong and feeling ok. Right now…u are not…but I AM HERE.”

WARRIOR IS A CHILD

by: Gary V.

Lately I've been winning battles left and right

But even winners can get wounded in the fight

People say that I'm amazing

I'm strong beyond my years

But they don't see inside of me

I'm hiding all the tears

Chorus:

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while(Look up for His smile)

'Coz deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child (Aahhh)

Unafraid because His arrow is the best

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest

People say that I'm amazing

I never face retreat, oh no

But they don't see the enemies

That lay me at His feet

Chorus:

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while(Look up for His smile)

'Coz deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child (Aahhh)

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while(Look up for His smile)

'Coz deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child (Aahhh)

Yes, just when I thought I was ok…reality creeps in.

I know I have to loosen up and get real. I didn’t notice myself that I was actually faking my emotions. Just because I didn’t want my loved ones 2 get worried abt me sinking in loneliness n solitude… I indulge myself with so much work…fun but tiring activities…even refused to sleep and rest.I totally deprived myself from the things I need most.

God know me so well.. He jst know when 2 tap my back...wipe away my tears and when to carry me home...

I admit im far from being perfect...but i know God loves me regardless of that fact.

singit blog =P

2005-09-17T06:35:00.000+08:00

drawing 2 ni alex 4 me...hehehe ang cute noh? naalala ko 2loy hanapin ung drawing n bgay sakin nung batang inalagaan ko in one of my flights to london. post ko d2 one of these days. smetmes d simplest thing can be a priceless posesion u knw. =) kakawala ng pagod wen smebdy mkes an effort 2 brihten up ur day. singit lng 2ng entry na 2 coz ngppuyat kami ni candee sa movie review project nya... ang saya ni2 6 am na wla pa kming tulog... n c kokay bangag n bangag n! hehehe buti n lng kami ni alex fuly charge!

sme facts abt me...

2005-09-15T04:30:00.000+08:00

Its 5am na and yet my eyes are far fr being sleepy… wat d heck?! so e2 wyl im eating dalandan…nagbblog hopping n lng ako. hirap tlga pg d buo ang araw mo…kc naman c batang fishball eh…di ko nkita 2day…di 2loy ako nkakain ng fish and chix balls =(

Sagutan ko n nga lang 2 (got these fr some1’s blog)… hala paexperience! =)

FACT 1:
Name: Jenny Anne Acedera Fidelson
Birth date: 11- 07- 79
Birthplace: qc
Current Location: my bed room
Eye Color: black
Hair Color: black
Height: 5’5”
Right handed or Left handed: right
---------------------------------------------
FACT 2:
Race: filipino
Weakness: gud smelling guys definitely! n those wearing white clothes 2...or someone hu can mke me laugh or smile atleast... =)
Biggest fear: death of myself or loved ones
Your perfect pizza: new yorker pizza w/ hot sauce
Goals you'd like to achieve: wana have a loving home n family of my own…n syempre lots of money 2 spend it w/ dem harharhar
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FACT 3:
Your....
most overused phrase(s): paexperience! galeeeng ah! asteeeg! ngak!...
Thoughts first waking up: how’s kobe in d oder room?
Best physical feature: boobs hahaha kidding…I think it wud b my smile =)
Usual bedtime: 5am (m serious…)
Most missed memory: college days and gulf air days… and t*** when he was still a man of worth n value (rili mis d old him…I super hate wat he has become now…though maybe im partly 2 b blamed...sigh)
----------------------------------------------
FACT 4:
Preferences....
Pepsi or Coke: neither (I prefer water, tea or juices)
McDonald's or Burger King: Mcdo
Single or group dates: group (dats 4 now…)
Lipton Iced Tea or Nestle tea: both
Chocolate or vanilla: both (love ice cream sobra! yumyummy! hehehe)
Cappuccino or Latte: latte
----------------------------------------------
FACT 5:
Do you....
Sing: parati po (kaya lang sablay eh =( ...)
Take a shower every day: twice a day (lalo n ngayn wla akong mgawa! suko n nga loofah ko eh…)
Have a crush(es): ruben of cueshe! ... n sam of pinoy big bro! hehehe
Want to get married: syempre noh!
Believe in yourself: yes
Get motion sickness: nah! byahera yata toh!
Think you're attractive: maybe…
Think you're a health freak: yes
Get along with your parents: mst of d tme yes…bt sometimes no (u knw how stubborn stage moms are!…love u ma! peace tyo =) )
Like thunderstorms: im scared of it =( magugulatin kc ako eh…
Play an instrument: b4
----------------------------------------------
FACT 6:
In the past month, you....
Drank alcohol: no
Gone on a date: no
Gone to the mall: yes (bought myself 5pairs of earrings n sme toys 4 kobe)
Eaten sushi:no
Been on stage: no
Gone skating: no
----------------------------------------------
FACT 7:
Age you hope to be married: 29
Numbers and Names of Children: haven’t think of it
Describe your Dream Wedding: hard 2 describe…I think it wud depend on hu im gona marry…(d whole thing must be collaborated by 2 in love souls…sweet!)
How do you want to die: some says dey wana die painless or wyl sleeping…but 4 me I wanna die beside some1 I really love…I WANNA DIE HAPPY AND SO IN LOVE!
----------------------------------------------
FACT 8:
List the number of...
People i trust with my life: my parents, my 2 sisters, tita sario, d old t***
cd u own: I got plenty
Piercings: 2 (sa ears lng po)
Tattoos: tattoo images lang…(inside my brain! ngak…)
Things in my past I wanna forget: I dnt think its possible unless il hav amnesia (I consider everything as a collection of hard earned lessons of life) <- kailngan tlga may explanation?! Harharhar =P ---------------------------------------------- FACT 9: What.... Music are you listening to now: tell me where it hurts
Time is it now: 4:45am
Your handphone model: nokia 5110 (kidding hehehe)
What are the things & ppl you treasure: my baby kobe,family,relatives,friends,pictures n videos of me w/ dem, memories of life n love… =)

glow in d dark...=)

2005-09-07T01:27:00.000+08:00

When I lost him… I thought I have lost every thing. Felt that I was traveling through a very long dark tunnel. I was always sobbing that I 4got 2 look around. Then little by little I notice these sparkling objects…MGA GLOW IN D DARK! Hahaha funny man ang term but seriously I consider my family and friends as glow in dark objects of my life. Di man nila totally nappliwanag ang dark moments ko…in their own li’l ways their making me realize that my path is not as dark as what im expecting it 2 be. Dahil sa kanila unti2 ko nang naaaninag ang daan papalabas. now im courageously taking small steps forward…

Weird as it seems but after the break up…I became closer to his family. Dati na kaming close but this tme, they have doubled their love and support. Kgaya ng family ko wala silang kinakampihan at sinisisi sa nangyari. They’re all supportive 2 both of us. Kahit p b sobra akong sinaktan at sinasaktan ni **** lately, I jst cant stop loving his family. I’m still as worried sa feelings ni mama che. Cnt hide my deep concern k ate gigi n kids, k lolo n lola. Ewan ko b I really care abt them!… kahit now im learning not to care abt ****. Tita carol even assured me that nothing would change with regards 2 our feelings of attachment. We’d still be the same huge extended family we’ve always been. but of course I have to set boundaries so as not 2 hurt somebody. In respect 2 d “new girl on d block”…mkakaasa sya n walang paninirang manggagaling sakin. I know my limitations n I know d value of respect. Pag nandyan sya…or cla…im definitely nt showing up.

Sad thing lapit n rin cna tita carol mag migrate 2 australia. =( Di nga kmi sure kung cno ang mauunang umalis ng pinas…ako o cla. It ol dpends sa bilis ng processing of our papers. I jst wish we could still spend xmas n new yr here. Pero come wat may, ngpromise n kmi sa isat isa ni tita that we’d try our best na mgkita evry now and then…kahit san mang sulok pa kami mapadpad. Matitiis ko b n d mkita sina candy n alex?! No way! They’re d bro n sister (younger) I never had. So definitely il get back 2 flying so I could visit them often.

Haaayyy…candy! Pra kitang bf! Everyday na lng tyo mgkausap sa phone. But seriously, I wana thank u for being there. For making me laugh…and for trying really hard na makabangon ako. Kahit ano kinukwento mo wag ko lng maisip c ****…kya lng d effective! Nyehehe =( may pakanta kanta k pang nalalaman! =p ung mass na inatendan ntin last Sunday was a wake up call…at ung peanut butter n binili natin... un ang nagpapasaya sa sikmura ko 2wing madaling araw! Hehehe naway paghandaan mo ang pagsleep over ko dyan dis weekend. Excited nko…sayang nga lng d ksama c kobe…

KOBE'S BIRTHDAY! =)

2005-09-02T18:59:00.000+08:00

This week was a blast! kakapagod pero enjoy... Sobrang saya ng birthday ni baby kobe! 2nd bday…2 day celebration… waaahhh ang gastos nga lang! Hehehe Pero worthit lahat ng pagod ko when I saw those huge smiles at countless giggles ng li’l angel ko at ng mga bisita nyang chikiting. Even kaming mga matatatanda nakisali sa gulo nang pagagawan ung mga sobrang souvenir accessories. Best buy talaga! Feels gud seeing dem wear those necklaces n pinili ko! Now bumabawi ako sa tulog coz a week b4 d occasion bc nko sa preparations, then sumabay pa ung death ni tatay jonny na as usual pinaglamayan din namin ni mato kahit wala ng pahinga. As in pasmado na nga ako kc pagtapos magluto diretso ligo then pasyal, and asikaso sa mga cousins kong nagstay sa bahay b4 n after kob’s bday. Grabe hirap ng walang katulong, wlang yaya, walang asawa! Hehe joke! Ok lng na I dnt have anybdy coz wala rin ako kahati sa reward after. Solong hirap…solong happiness din. Sounds pathetic b? hu cares basta masaya ako kc napasaya ko ang kiddo ko! =) pero seriously, syempre mas masaya if I have all my love ones w/ us 2 celebrate dat day. Pero k lng… may next time pa naman. =)

DEALING WITH LOST AND DEATH

The past 2 months was a big adjustment for me… trying to cope up on situation that’s too painful and harsh. But I must say I’m learning a lot from these experiences. I proved myself that what I recently did for my “failed’ relationship wasn’t at all a failure. Maybe in some ways it is, but for me it is more of a triumphant challenge that I was able to get pass through.

Looking around me…I have seen people experiencing lost. Tatay jonny passed away recently…sya lang naman ang cool at mabait na tatay ng choirmates kong sina jong, alma n anabelle. Sad noh? Then my closest tita sario had to move to a friend’s house. kung kelan nasanay nako na lagi syang nasa bahay at kakwentuhan ko. My frnds dencil and lyn broke up din. Then ate gi** decided to leave his playboy husband. Just yesterday, eric one of my closest friend, left for US. Joyce fr d same circle of “my mst real frnds” is currently doing her solas and soon will be leaving pinas for work. Then ako…before the year ends or after, hav to go somewhere miles away fr home. Haaaayyyyyyy… So it made me realize d fact that I wasn’t d only one experiencing lost… every body is…anybody would…in some part of our lives.

Endless sharing of effective medications- this is what my dad, uncles, aunts and their friends are normally talking about. Gamot sa arthritis, diabetes, precautions ng mga prone sa heart attack or stroke, etc. Does it mean that they fear death? Or dat dey fear reality? Nah… I guess they’re just tryin to get hold onto something beautiful--- LIFE. Im sure when I reached the same age, I’ll be doing d same thing. Ngayon pa nga lang, sangkatutak na vitamins na ang nilalaklak ko eh! I admit I fear death but id rather put it this way…I LOVE LIFE! Kahit n nga ba puro problema at pagsubok ang buhay ko…I still love it d way it is.

Same thing applies to relationships… we want to hold on to something beautiful which is --- LOVE. So we nurture it with lots of vitamins- care, understanding, patience,etc. When it gets really sick we give it medications and more attention. We give everything we could possibly share just to prolong life…and love. Perhaps it is already our nature to fight for something important to us…to fight for life…to fight for love.

After exerting those “extras” and our very best, and still death comes along...then we face fear. Great fear of losing something that we have worked hard for… something we value so much. It aint easy to let go of something that has been a part of our whole being…so still we fight even if we know na wala tyong laban sa fate…sa kagustuhan nung NASA TAAS.

…then we give our all…then we get tired…then we stop struggling…then we start accepting…then we open our arms… then we simply let go. Wala na tyong dapat pagsisihan when reach dat point…coz we already gave our best shot. We did our part so its time to let God take over.

I came to realize that there’s a good thing in fearing lost and death… we learn to give importance to what we have and doesn’t have. We learn to value our past, present and our future. It gives us a chance to make the best out of our lives and all sort of relationships. It teaches us to dream and inspires us to make it come true. The same fear teaches us to be brave enough to live… to love… and to let go.

Its ok to fear lost and death, for it only proves that we value the greatest gift of God---- LIFE and LOVE. Let us all enjoy the fleeting moment…let us try to be worthy of the gift.

THE ART OF LETTING GO...

2005-08-22T17:43:00.000+08:00

ACCIDENT PRONE OR STUPID MORON?…MAYBE BOTH! HEHE

Can’t believ how unlucky I am this day…woke up late den umuulan pa (rili hate it wen its raining!) so I decided 2 mke myself busy… ayaaannn, tama maglilinis n lng ako ng bathroom ko! =) I jst love doing household chores n involved ang water like- washing d dishes (xpert ako d2), maglaba, magdilig, maglinis ng kotse, magrefill ng water sa ref n d list goes on…basta may 2big game ako! Hate ko nman ang mamalantsa! Hehehe

So back 2 my kamalasan story of d day…

Nagpripare po ako ng 1 tabo ng tubig w/ zonrox, detergent soap n domex… den binuhos ko sa bathroom floor. It was still almost half full when dis cockroach came crawling sa right foot ko. Close people 2 me could attest na di ako takot sa ipis… its just dat super magugulatin lang talaga ako. Kaya un in short nataranta ako and when I tried to kill it eh nadulas naman ako. My left leg hit d toilet bowl rili hard. Den tumama po ung upper lip ko sa faucet wen I tried to hold on 2 d sink. (mahaba kc ung faucet eh…nt d ordinary type) B4 dat natapon ko yung half full ng solution sa half ng face ko kc nga nadulas ako. Dam* it! Can u imagine a thick solution ng zonrox n domex over my poor face?! Panget n nga eh papapangitin p lalo! Naisip ko nga buti n lng napapikit ako kundi sa mata ko mpupunta…d sana pwede na ako ngayn mamalimos sa Quiapo! Hmmm wel atleast I can use na my black Armani! Bwahaha Pero sobra talaga akong kinabahan noh! So un kumuha n lng ako ng pang warm compress as first aid. kumuha din ako ng mug pra lagyan ng hot water…aba at bigla ko pong nahulog ang mug! Buti n lng di nabasag…

Teka, teka… mukhang may nkakaalala sakin ha… kung cno ka man bwisit ka! Papangitin mo p ako ng husto! Pag ikamatay ko ang kakaisip mo sa kin… dadalawin kita… ahuuooooo may mumooooohhh = ) =P

THE ART OF LETTING GO…

When my relationship was still in its blissful state…in never came in to my mind. (ofcourse! who would?!) Even when we experienced the hell of it all…in my mind and heart-it has always been my last option. Like most of us, maybe I’m afraid to let go of something that has been a part of me already. It’s like loosing a hand…or a foot.

The idea of letting go was always at the back of my mind, especially when I got too involved w/ hub. Not until now, when it has come right in front of my face. That no matter how I pretend not to notice, I’ve got no choice but either to push it away or embrace it with open arms.

After so many days of waiting…of wanting and dreaming…of thinking and wondering…I came to realize...this time, I really have to embrace it with open arms. Not an easy move but if this is what can make hub happy and free. Why not?

So now I’m embracing it with open arms…but with my eyes in tears...sigh

Reasons to smile...

2005-08-22T01:27:00.000+08:00

STAY
by: Cueshe

I believe
We shouldnt let the moment pass us by
Life's too short
We shouldnt wait for the water to run dry

Think about it
Cause we only have one shot at destiny
All im asking
Could it possibly be you and me?

So if you'd still go, i'll understand
Would you give me something just to hold on to?
And if you'll stay, ill hold your hand
Cause im truly, madly, crazily in love with you

Time has come
For us to go our separate ways
God forbid
But my mind is going crazy today

I feel so cold
Feel so numb
Im having nightmares but im awake
Help me lord
Fight this loneliness
Take this pain away

So if you'd still go, i'll understand
Would you give me something just to hold on to?
And if you'll stay, ill hold your hand
Cause im truly, madly, crazily in love with you

Now that you're gone, im all alone
Im still hoping that you would come back home
Dont care how long, but im willing to wait
Cause im truly, madly, crazily in love with you

I just wanted to post this song coz these days e2 yta ang national anthem ko. Hehehe sbihin n ng iba na baduy coz OPM…I dnt care! Kahit anong sad ko pag nkita ko n cla on tv eh tumatumbling yata ako sa tuwa. Sobrang kinikilig ako kay ruben (1 of deyr vocalists, baduy nga lng ng name hehe). Even baby kobe loves to sing along with me kahit nabubulol pa cia. With matching hawak p ng mic yun ha and fascinating facial expression. Kaka2wa tlga tong li’l angel ko. =) Hehehe Isn’t it nice to find beautiful reasons to smile? …even in days of mourning. God indeed is good in all ways.

d phase i chose to face...

2005-08-16T21:00:00.000+08:00

Lately, I have been receiving comments (onlyn and oflyn) about my previous blog “learning how to roll over d punches”. I didn’t expect that people could actually find time reading my rubbish thoughts.

To you Karen and Badz, tnx a lot. Its really nice 2 meet people who like me, is brave enough (or atleast trying to be…) to share they’re stories. Sana matuto cla sa mga katangahan natin and at the same time mainspire din coz love indeed can be beautiful if only we’d learn to enjoy it, in its fleeting moment. The rest of d choices like holding on or letting go should be dealt depende na sa sitwasyon. We should never be bothered sa mga sasabihin ng iba as long as d tyo nkaksagasa ng iba. Atleast if we make our own decicions and choices, wla tyong ibang sisihin kundi sarili natin (just incase things wont work out ryt)

I just wana correct the misconception of some… I am not dwelling into a negative feeling. Never did I consider na negative ang mga nangyayari sakin ngayon. How can something be negative when it teaches you love, understanding, patience and perseverance? I admit I still cry every now and then and I still have those sleepless nights and cold lonesome days. But it doesn’t mean that I am not enjoying the process of it all. Marami nko natutununan lately. Di lang naman puro iyak at panghihinayang ang alam kong gawin. Kaya nga ako di nkapagblog ng ilang days coz I’ve got a life oder than dis. Im determined to make things right kya wlang mkakapigil skin. At d same time, I dnt wana rush things din. Like now, if I have to cry then I will cry my heart out. I dnt care of what people would think of me. Crying doesn’t make me a lesser person. This is the way I chose to deal w/ painful things. (kaysa naman mging wasted drunk ako sa mga bars everywhere hehe) D ko yata carry yon! Running away from problems n pain doesn’t end it. So might as well face and deal w/ it na lang db? Im avoiding to rush this phase I have to go through. I want to savor each step of d way coz I know it’ll make me a better person at the end of it all. Time will heal d pain…No person shall come 2 me n tell me na “tama na nga yan…move on!” Ako lang ang mkakapagsabi kung kailan wala ng masakit at kung kelan ready nko to let go. Hindi rin ako magpapakaplastik pra lang masabi ng iba na matalino ako’t matapang. More than any one else, I believe we should always be honest sa sarili natin. Learn to listen fr d voice w/in (d po ung kakaibang voice ha…baka pang sisa na yan! =p) what I meant it is d balance of listening to both our hearts and minds.

All comments whether bad or good, is very much appreciated. Kahit yung mga narereceive kong advices in actual life. I’m collecting those then finifilter ko thru my own way of understanding. Sana lng po kung sino man mga magbabasa ng blog ko would consider d fact that everything im typing here is my own experiences, views and perceptions…kya nga most of d tme im starting my sentences w/ “I believe…” If u think im stupid for doing these things or thinking dis way…call nyo yan kung gusto nuo magcomment. But dnt xpect that it’ll change me, neither my perception. This is me, and this is how I chose 2 live my life.

Karen dear…f u think d k p nagigising…ok lng yan…njoy d dream! Queber sa mga nkikialam sa buhay ng may buhay…cla rin naman ang mpapagod believe me. Ika nga mahirap gsingin ang taong nagtutulog-tulugan. Yan tyo, we chose 2 be like dat kc we dnt want 2 let go of something n part na ng sistema ntin. Kasi tyo lng naman mkakaalam when is d ryt time to let go of smething or sme1. Nobody else can! madali lng sa iba n magcomment coz wla sila sa sitwasyon. Di nila maiintindihan ang mga bagay n nkikitaan mo p ng pagasa. Its ok 2 dream…d nman lahat nauuwi lng sa panaganip. May iba na ngkakatotoo rin. Like what I’ve said sa previous blog ko…lets just not be blinded by facts and reality. Pag nkahain na sa harap mo ang katotohanan at realidad…take ur time to grasp it…embrace it kpag ready ka na. Walang dapat pilitin or madaliin. Pero wg din nman super slow… bka mapagiwanan tyo ng panahon. Hehehe Basta bilib ako syo girl! U know how to fight 4 sme1 n impt syo…d kgaya ng iba dyan…

LEARNING HOW TO ROLL OVER THE PUNCHES...

2005-08-09T18:36:00.000+08:00

Well, this is my 2nd tme 2 blog… 1st on my own (yipeee!!!) thanks 2 my gud friend eric- hu has been long tme convincing me 2 try this “blogging thing” out. 2 top it all… he was even more patient editing “my not so creative ideas”. Hehehe

Ok I admit, if I haven’t broken up with my guy just recently cguro I wont be doing dis at all. Syempre I wont have time for this. Surprisingly, I am now excited abt xperiencing dis whole thing. Tsaka eric s ryt…dis is a gud way to release stress. I believe it can help me exercise my mind and spirit too since I can do anything I want and type anything dat would come across my mind. Ika nga…DIS IS MY WORLD! Mumurahin ko d2 kung cnong gusto kong murahin! (ang cheap!hehe) Rather dan trying too hard 2 do yoga moves, e2 muna pagkakaabalahan ko. Hehehe Strange…here im laughing out loud. Pero in actual life, I can hardly smile dis days. Sana I could lie and tell d world dat im ok…so as not 2 gain pity or any sarcastic comments. Oo nga, I may not b as happy as what other’s are expecting me 2 be…but I seem 2 know n feel dat in d end of dis dark, long tunnel…a ray of light awaits me.

For those who have extra time for rubbish: may proceed reading, gus2 ko lng po ishare…(to those people who, like me is learning how to roll over the punches...)

I kinda have seen this coming…the abrupt end of a super sheltered relationship. We knew fr d start dat d relationship we’re planning 2 jump in2, needs all those “extras”. Us coming from both ends of d world… more patience, more understanding, extra care, extra love n d list goes on,should be added as ingredients. Tigas kc ng ulo namin, eh ayaw papigil! We thought strong feelings are enough 4 us to survive it all. We were like kids playing in the rain- too happy and too careless to think abt things that myt happen next. Then problems of all types and sizes came, we got lost 4 a wyl n started doing things that hurt each oder. I had mistakenly chose d wrong decision that has left an unfortunate stain on our relationshp. I was determined to work things out, even if there was fear everywhere. It was unlucky for me 2 get a little lesser dan what I deserve fr him. But dats what I have gambled for… I wanted to prove him wrong… for thinking 2 bad and 2 shallow of me. We nearly fell apart but we struggled hard enough…we learned how to hold on tighter. We’re lucky to have both of our families very supportive 2 our seemingly fragile relationship. All the hardships were worth it coz for more than a year, our world became one. Shared joys and tears…experienced victory and defeat…felt loved and unloved... I am proud to say… we’ve been through heaven and hell together. Mostly were crazy memories…endless harutan, magdamagang debate, asaran at gulatan, countless midnight snacks, wlang humpay n puyatan sa dvd movies, …shared our first time to do dis n dat, 2 eat dis n dat, 2 experience dis n dat…hav created our own collection of hilarious lines… “COWAAARD!!!”, “DO U HAV AN APPOINTMENT?!” (both w/ indian accent hihi) , “PAEXPERIENCE NAMAN”, “AKO C KARREL…DISKAREL!” not so funny 4 u huh? Hard 2 relate noh? Kc I told ya it was all in our own world…

Unfortunately, things don’t happen as how we always want it. Good things are never meant to last. Sabi nga nya… “DI LAGING PASKO”. He just couldn’t 4get about his so called “ jen’s huge mistake” while I was left feeling unwanted. Got no choice but to accept his anger, insults, mistake and long hours of him going out with friends and “God knows hu else”… I began noticing that he wasn’t being fair anymore. Using my old mistake as an excuse to do his thing. In fairness to him, he gets guilty every time he does something hurtful. He’d try to make up for these mistakes. But temptation was everywhere and he wasn’t strong for all of these. Our differences emerge…mga dati naming nawowork out na little flaws, lumalaki over nyt. For quite some time, he tried making some useless phone calls arguing with me…maybe just 2 save his butt from guilt…masabi lng dat he tried. No more extra efforts like before. I was convincing myself to wait till his back on his feet again. Maybe d relationship was stressing him 2 much…I’ve gotta understand that i’ts not only me that has to be taken care of. I know he’s got a long list of responsibilities din. So I told him I’ll wait till his ready to compromise again. But while I put myself on hold…he was out there painting the town red. Pretty hard, isn’t it? When ur partner starts caring no more…den un n rin ang start of u 2 felling apart. Of course, it’s impossible 2 work it out if ur left alone, wanting to try and compromise. Well, rili I can’t blame him…the world out der is very promising. While our world 2geder is full of trials, old n weary, happy yet so familiar. Wala na nga cgurong thrill. Studies proved that most men loves “the chase”, “the pursuit”…the fever of anticipation and of course the initial kilig moments of dating. So that means I’m half to blame…I should have tried harder to keep the fire burning…and maybe myself more interesting. How unfair noh? Bakit sya even if he’s not exerting too much effort…I haven’t gone tired. Maybe it was real love that made me look at him in such a special way. For me kasi loving is not all about whats ideal and beautiful. It is learning to love the whole package. We don’t love a person only when everything’s smooth and blissful then leave them the moment its not. There’s no such thing as a perfect person, neither a perfect relationship. So we must learn to accept and love their imperfections and shortcomings…giving chances and room for improvement. But it doesn’t mean that we have to be blinded by facts and reality. We simply need a li’l more of loving.

I found him looking on a different direction…almost ready to go. The signs were all over but I was in denial. Tried patching things on my own. Forgetting d fact that it takes two to tango. Para akong tanga! doing the silliest things just 2 get his attention…just 2 get him do something… nagalit ako at inaway sya, naglambing at inamo sya, kulang na lng sumirko ako sa harap nya. I was terribly sad and longing for the old guy I used 2 know… He’s totally changed. Di na sya ang dating hub na nasasandalan ko. He got tired of it all… The worst thing he has stopped arguing… he doesn’t want to fight for us anymore.

The most painful part is him saying…”pagod na ako maging malungkot…mas masaya na ako ngayon” *Bang!* as if I have heard a shot fr a gun, just some few inches away from my head.. STUPID FOOL! I should have realized it long b4 I heard dis. Sobra sakit coz I even have founded some proofs of him being happy with somebody else. I think it won’t be fair 2 him if I would go into details. If the replacement girl is just for a rebound or for real…dat I wouldn’t know. I chose 2 care less… I started chasing for reasons…maybe I wasn’t a good partner…maybe d relationship was too tiring already…maybe I wasn’t understanding at all…perhaps he has his own deeper reasons for all of these…cguro it just wasn’t meant 2 be. Surely, I had my share of shortcomings…but does it give him the bloody reason to give it all up?

After all what I found out…I knew my heart could easily forgive. But how can I forgive him when his not even sorry even for what he did?
Ano pang magiging laban ko sa sinabi nya? Wala na db? I’m definitely not gonna stand on his way…never will I be a hindrance to his happiness.
While every body would tell me to simply move on… still 4 me it’s easier said than done. Breaking up is never simple…never easy…It’s always meant 2 break somebody’s heart…but could mean freedom and happiness for the other one.

So what it is really the greatest secret of a lasting relationship? Most of us are dying to know. I wanna share the story of the book I finished reading just recently- d book I accidentally founded inside the aircraft when I was still flying. That time I wasn’t a book fanatic, so I kept it with me for quite a long time now… not realizing it’ll be a part of my life in such an incredible way…It’s been 5 years now since I first landed a hand on that book (d same year when i first met hub). I occasionally brushed up on some of its pages for a couple of times. But I was far too busy with so many things that it took me years to finally settle my ass and finish reading it.
Everything happens for a reason…d lesson of d story was unfolded to me just now… because it is meant to help me fathom my recent break up.
“Man and wife” by Tony Parsons- touching yet realistic story about love inside and out of marriage…struggles of finding d ryt person…about why we fall in love and why we let go.

“You have to keep falling in love with the same person over and over again”.

It was his mother sharing the secret of her undying love to his father. Funny how we always want to find d right person for us…overlooking the fact that its more important and more realistic to be the right person for the one we love…by simply trying our best…by doing those extras. Fate may be the key to finding that special some one…but it is our free will if we’d choose to stay in love with that person.

“Why settle for less?!” I heard this so often from people who were lucky enough to have tons of beautiful choices. Maybe this is good enough for those who doesn’t want to stop the chase for freedom and selfish happiness.

“Madaming isda sa dagat” a good excuse fr griping broken hearted people. Pero para skin, oo madami ngang isda sa dagat…pero di lahat ay pwedeng hulihin… ang iba ay nakakatinik…di lahat ay masarap sa panlasa… depende sa taong kakain. Gets nyo?! Chemistry n d so called spark counts a lot… so I suggest when u find that special some one…stop d chase n make d best out of that luck! coz if we’re always goin to look 4 the better ones…sobrang dami dyan! Endless search kc laging may mas… Unlike some other things, wherein we need NOT to be contented, for us to open new great possibilities…relationships shouldn’t be treated in the same way. Otherwise, too many hearts will be broken and too much time and effort will be wasted. “When u find that special someone…take care and love him/her the best way u could. Coz if you lost him/her…then you have to search the world all over again”

But at the end of this long weary day…I seem to find the answer to my questions. The break up was not about my man being cruel and selfish alone. Knowing him, I should think that it was never easy for him to break my heart. It’s just that maybe he realized that he can’t be the right person to me or the other way around. He can’t force himself to sacrifice everything when all along he knew and felt I wasn’t the right one for him. We should never bargain for love…it should always be given in free will.

(perhaps the next thing I should learn is the art of letting go…sigh…)

My inspiration...

2005-08-08T04:23:00.000+08:00

1st blog!

2005-08-08T03:52:00.000+08:00

that's me with my closest friend in USTe (Michelly, Joyce and Pi)